Commitment. That’s a tough one. When you commit to something, there’s a lot of emotional stuff that comes along with it.  Personal stuff. Historical baggage.  Fears.  This is probably going to be one of the most personal posts I have done on this blog in quite some time.

I am on a journey right now, and it’s one I have been on quite openly in some of my social circles — with my family and with some of my co-workers.

In August, I got some tough love from my doctors when I went for all my check ups for Blinky (my lovely pituitary tumor), my first mammogram (yeah, a few years later than it should have been), all that other lovely lady stuff, and coming off the recovery from my second ankle surgery.  Between the two ankle surgeries, I had gained 30 pounds.  And since starting my current crazy job (which can be a tad bit stressful at times), I gained 50.  Come on — 50 pounds?  Fuck!  How does that happen?

I had to really think about how that could happens.  Stress cycles, anti-depressants, a sense of responsibility for my dad who at times is no picnic, the aging process…the cards can appear to be stacked against me.  If you’ve been following my journey, I even did a bunch of half marathons.  I couldn’t figure out that even while training for half-marathons and doing all this fitness stuff, I could still gain weight.  I asked my endocrinologist if it was possible that the pituitary tumor was the culprit, or the anti-depressants, or my birth control pills, or a number of other things.  I asked him to check my thyroid, and he told me I just eat too much.  Wow!  Thanks! Insightful.

So, frustrated by that response, I went to my regular doctor and asked her if she could help.  She referred me to this place, Obesity Treatment Center in Davis and Sacramento.  I was horrified.  That’s so extreme! Imagine how horrible it would be to walk through that door.  I did a ton of research, talked to Mike, and did some thinking about it and decided to give it a whirl.

First of all, the door said “OTC Medical Group”, which actually made me feel a bit more at ease.  I started on this program in August, initially doing a full liquid fast.  It’s a VLCD – Very Low Calorie Diet – which puts me at 600-800 calories a day.  In September, I decided to switch to a program that’s mostly liquid supplements, but I get one meal a day now, which makes it a little more palatable, and easier to deal with social situations.  However: no alcohol, no carbs (well, the good ones, like pasta, potatoes, and bread). I do get my fill of good stuff though, and it’s really made me think very differently about food.

Since August, I have lost about 40 pounds.  It’s been easy in a lot of ways. I let people know what I was going to do, I rallied my support team, and I just went for it.  But in some ways, it’s been hard.  I am losing weight slower than the norm.  I see people in my classes losing at a much faster rate.  I tell myself they have more weight to lose than me, and I’m constantly seeking approval from the doctors and behaviorist in the program, which is a little kooky, but that’s how I am. One of the things I did find out that I do have issues with my thyroid.  The doctors at OTC checked it in the beginning and then 8 weeks out and determined I was hypothyroid, so I have been on a synthetic thyroid hormone to help with that for the past 4 weeks.  They say it takes about 6 weeks to kick in, so I haven’t seen much of a change in terms of rate of loss yet. But I am glad I was persistent about getting that checked.  No comment from the endocrinologist, other than “oh, yeah, that’s low.”  Again, thanks!

So writing about this on my blog is horrifying. I always thought it was a secret between me and my Wii Fit that I was obese (can you get behind a game that insists that you get on the scale every day and then says, “Oh, that’s OBESE!” Nice.

I’m needing more support, and I want people to know what I am doing. Right now, I’m running out of clothes.  All of my clothes are too big for me, so I am going through what we call the “dead clothes room” where the smaller sizes of days gone by live.  Some of those are starting to fit, some are actually too big.  The changes are happening fast now, so I don’t want to spend money to buy new stuff right now, since I still have about another 45 pounds to go.

So what’s the point?  A few things:

• I wanted to get this out there so people know what I’m up to
• I’m rallying the support of my peeps
• I want to be held accountable. My biggest fear is that I won’t be successful at this, so the instinct is not to tell anyone, so they can’t consider this a failed attempt if it doesn’t work out.  But, it’s working out, and I need it to, so I’m blabbing.
• I need the encouragement.  I get a lot of compliments from people at work, and yet there’s people who don’t say anything, and sometimes that makes me wonder if I am really doing as well as I could be. Really, who wants to be judged?
• I’m proud! Not only did I do the Run to Feed the Hungry at Thanksgiving, I also managed to eat about 321 calories for Thanksgiving dinner.  Can YOU say that?

So, there you have it. I’ve got some challenges ahead of me, but some great rewards.  And I’m committed!